Why trust, not tactics, is the key to giving effective feedback
Feedback That Sticks: Moving Beyond Acronyms to Build Trust
Most feedback advice starts with a formula: SBI (Situation, Behavior, Impact) and countless other acronyms. But formulas rarely work in the moment. People don’t remember acronyms when tensions run high, and as a result, feedback often falls flat or worse—alienates the recipient.
So what’s the real key to delivering effective feedback? Trust. If people believe you genuinely care about their success, they’ll listen. If they don’t, even the most polished feedback will be ignored.
Here’s why trust matters more than technique—and how you can ensure your feedback inspires real change.
The Feedback Formula Fallacy
The traditional feedback models—such as SBI (Situation, Behavior, Impact)—aim to provide a clear framework for delivering feedback. While these frameworks are useful in theory, they often crumble in real-world conversations. Why?
Because formulas can feel mechanical. When you’re mid-conversation, pausing to recall an acronym feels unnatural. Worse, recipients might feel like they’re being processed instead of understood.
“When was the last time you paused mid-feedback to mentally spell out an acronym? Thought so.”
Feedback shouldn’t be robotic. It should feel personal, human, and anchored in genuine care. This is where trust becomes the most critical factor.
Trust: The Missing Ingredient in Effective Feedback
At its core, feedback only works if the recipient believes you have their best interests at heart. Without that belief, anything you say—no matter how constructive—comes across as confrontational.
Building trust comes down to four components, as outlined by Charles Green in The Trusted Advisor:
Credibility: Do they trust that you know what you’re talking about?
Reliability: Do you do what you say you’ll do?
Empathy: Do they feel seen and understood by you?
Self-Serving Motives: Do they believe you’re acting in their best interests, not your own?
While all these elements matter, self-serving motives are the linchpin. If someone perceives that your feedback is driven by your agenda—whether to boost your reputation, protect yourself, or assert dominance—trust evaporates. Conversely, when they see that you’re genuinely invested in their growth, they’ll lean in and listen. This is the crux of effective feedback: showing that your primary goal is to help them succeed, not to serve yourself.
“He might’ve been the ‘Devil Boss,’ but in that moment, I believed he wanted to help me. And I listened.”
A Story About the ‘Devil Boss’
Years ago, I worked for a CEO who quickly earned the nickname “The Devil Boss”. He had impossibly high standards and notoriously rough people skills. One day, after he publicly criticized a colleague’s presentation so severely that she broke down in tears, the name stuck.
It wasn’t long after that incident when he invited me to his office for “feedback.” I braced myself, dreading the possibility of a similar encounter.
To my surprise, he started with this:
“John, I really want to help you reach your career goals. Because I want to help you, I’d like to give you some feedback that I think can help you be even more effective.”
I don’t remember the specific feedback he gave me that day. What I do remember is that he made me believe he cared about my success. That belief made all the difference. I took his advice to heart and implemented it.
The lesson? Feedback must be grounded in a genuine desire to help the person grow and reach their goals. Without this foundation, even well-intentioned words can fall flat. When feedback is delivered with sincerity and a focus on the other person’s success, it resonates deeply and inspires action.
Practical Tips for Building Trust Before Giving Feedback
1. Focus on behaviors, not character
Behavior is actionable. Criticizing character is both unhelpful and demoralizing. For example:
Wrong: “You need to be smarter.”
Right: “In today’s meeting, you missed a chance to connect your idea to the broader strategy. Next time, let’s focus on framing your points within the bigger picture.”
Feedback framed around behaviors helps people improve without feeling attacked.
2. Start with their goals
Virtually every executive—especially early or mid-career—wants to “get to the next level.” They aspire to greater scale, responsibility, and authority, but often don’t know what it takes to get there.
A great boss or mentor bridges this gap by identifying critical improvement areas—no more than three—that are essential to career progression. For example:
One leader needed to temper their directness with empathy. By softening their tone and focusing on how they delivered tough messages, they built stronger team relationships and improved collaboration.
“People don’t know what they don’t know. If you see something that can help them, and you hold it back, you’re not being kind—you’re sabotaging their success.”
3. Open with a supportive tone
When starting a feedback conversation, lead with their goals and success. A simple, supportive opening can immediately establish trust:
“Can I share a few tips with you that might help you accelerate your success and get where you want to go even faster?”
This phrasing makes it clear that you’re offering help, not criticism. It shifts the conversation from what they’re doing wrong to how they can succeed.
Feedback in New Relationships
Even when you don’t have a deep relationship, you can still create a foundation of trust by:
Explicitly stating your intent to help them succeed.
Keeping feedback behavior-focused.
Opening the conversation in a supportive, goal-oriented way.
“I know we haven’t worked together long, but I’m committed to helping you succeed. Can I share a thought that might help you reach your goals faster?”
This small declaration of care goes a long way toward breaking down walls and opening ears.
Conclusion: Feedback That Builds People Up
Effective feedback isn’t about formulas or flawless delivery—it’s about connection. If you build trust and show genuine care, people will listen, learn, and grow.
When you give feedback next, ask yourself: “Does this person know I’m in their corner?” If the answer is yes, your words will carry weight, inspire action, and strengthen the relationship.
Comments